Someone More Stubborn Than Me

School starts tomorrow. It's hard to believe summer vacation has come to an end. It's even harder to believe that my daughter will start Kindergarten and I will have two in school. Both are very excited for the school year to begin and have been counting the days for the last week or so. I am not sure how my youngest is going to react at being alone all day. I am not sure how I am going to react at being alone with my youngest all day. He is quite the demanding little boy. He is very attached to my older two, even if his primary goal in life is to irritate the hell out of his older sister. He's never been without her, and I've never been without the distraction she provides him. Don't get me wrong, it isn't always constant friction between the two of them (even if it sometimes seems that way). They get along much better when my oldest isn't home and they aren't competing for his attention. Now...

I've never been alone with one child all day before. When I just had one, I worked. If it were my daughter, it might be easier. She is the one who is content to be on her own, or to sit and talk with me. I'm not the imaginative mom who can come up with all sorts of ideas to entertain, teach and interact with my children. I'm the nurturing type, yes. I will sit and talk with them. I hug and cuddle with them. We tell stories to each other sometimes. Other than that, I'm sort of at a loss. I can't see myself taking him to the park, especially right now since there will be other moms there and the possibility of one talking to me puts me in a state. This child gets into things in a way the others did not. He has a temper that was not present in my older children. He wears me out in a way the others did not. He refuses to be toilet trained. He won't to use his manners, whereas it came very naturally to the others. He has screaming tantrums and the older two had only mild ones for a few months before they turned two. There is a lot I need to do with him, and his determination to be contrary bewilders me. I am hoping that having all my attention focused on him will change things, but I am so fearful that it won't. Don't get me wrong. He is the cutest child at times. He is so funny. He says the craziest things that make me burst out in laughter--more so than the older ones. He does really funny things. I always say his only saving grace is that he is so damned cute. If not for that, I'd have put him up on eBay a long time ago.

He's smart, very smart. The other day, we were at the dinner table and my 7 year old asked what the economy was. When my husband began to explain what it was, he piped up, finger pointed in the air and said "Barack Obama". He knew that the two were related, and he had picked it up on his own. During the presidential elections he knew who Barack Obama was, and he had picked that up on his own, too. He also knew who Hillary Clinton was. He wasn't even 3 years old yet. He remembers Joe Biden's name, although he probably can't pick him out on TV. With all this, I think about starting to teaching him the sounds the the letters of the alphabet make so he can read small words, but I don't know if he would sit still that long or take any interest in it. Would he be like he is with toilet training? Would he just dig his heels in and say "NO!" I'd try to send him to pre-school for a couple days a week if it weren't for the toilet training issue. His pediatrician says I can't rush it or force it (but he's going to be 4 in a little over 4 months!!!!!). My oldest was toilet trained at his day care, and my daughter was a dream at it. We trained her on vacation, in fact. She might as well have done it herself.

What do I do? I never thought I'd meet someone more stubborn than me. I have no idea how to outsmart, outlast this child. My daughter is stubborn, and I had thought she would be the death of me. This one...he surprised me. I used to think he'd grow out of his willfulness, at least a little. Now, I'm not so sure. Beyond entertaining him, I think he's going to a) give me a heart attack b) wear me out c) drive me crazy d) all of the above.

Pray for me. Please?

Face to Face with My Anxiety

I've been at a loss in terms of blog topics lately. I feel like I've covered just about every feeling I've had already. At least anything of interest, if you can call what I've written interesting. I could write about my social anxiety, but that's uncomfortable to feel. Writing about it seems even more uncomfortable. Some might say that's what makes it important to discuss. I say: BAH!

I had to confront my anxiety the other night. One of my best friends was in town, and I haven't seen her in about 7 years. It was the night before she was leaving to go home and she was going to be at a restaurant with a few of her other friends for drinks. I was faced with the dilemma of either walking into a restaurant filled with other people and sitting with her friends (GASP) or not seeing her at all. I was angry with her for not making time for me. She was aware of my problem ahead of time, and professed that she was going to spend time with me and catch up on all that was going on with me. I didn't care so much about that part of it, I just wanted to spend time with her. She never carved any time out for me, and I was hurt. I nearly used that as my excuse to avoid confronting my fears of being around people.

In the end, I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to at least see her. Time being what it was, and with all the things she had to do, I only got to see her for about half an hour. I also could not bring myself to go inside the restaurant. She graciously came outside to talk. Unfortunately, she brought her friends with her. She didn't realize that my anxiety extends to all people, not just crowded places. I have met these friends before, so they are not strangers. I can see why she thought it would be OK. Nevertheless, I started shaking and tearing up. Worse yet, they wanted to hug me, and one of the girls kissed me on the cheek. I feel terrible because I probably seemed very rude, or at least very strange. They realized something was wrong in some way, because they excused themselves and went back inside.

I had a nice visit with my friend. It was far too brief, but I'm glad I had at least a few moments with her. It was no different than some of our phone calls except for being able to see her in the flesh. At least it was something. I don't feel any great sense of accomplishment for going--I didn't really confront my anxiety and win. All I did really was get out of my car. I can't even say at least it's a start. It doesn't feel like it was anything.

Insurance and Ignorance in America

I have this sense of foreboding this morning. It actually started last night, really. I'm not sure what started it, but I haven't been able to shake it. It's not that I don't have some cause to worry--there is a possibility that Mr. PolarBabe may be laid off in the very near future. While the financial implications are obvious, the biggest worry is over our health insurance. COBRA for 5 people would be a fortune. Dr. Tween is an out of network doctor, so I pay out of pocket for her services already, and she isn't cheap. I need a good team behind me and she is so good, she is worth the expense. I can't bear the thought of having to see someone else. I finally got my medications through our prescription program with her (Dr. Bombay refused to prescribe them through the service) and I now have no co-pay for those meds, and get them 3 months at a time. To have that go away--when just two of my medications would cost a combined total of $500 a month...what the hell would we do?

That's just me. My kids come first. Fortunately, we are blessed with three very healthy children. They are almost never sick, even with colds. Fevers are very rare. I mean, I really have never even had to clean up vomit. What mom can say that? There will come a day though, when one falls, maybe splits something open and needs stitches, or breaks an arm or leg or any of the myriad injuries children get. Maybe one does get some terrible illness, God forbid. It's a terrible position to be in.

I'm not going to make this a political rant about Obama's current health care bill. I do sit and wonder though about the talking heads who get up there, with their main point being that 80% of all Americans being satisfied with their current insurance plan. I'm one of them, by and large. That really isn't the point of the plan though, is it? It's more toward those without insurance. How does that fall by the wayside in all their arguments? How many people are in the same situation I am afraid that we may find ourselves in?

I'll be honest, I'm not informed enough to know if this is the perfect solution. Having spent the entirety of my career in the insurance industry, in a claims environment no less, I do know about the administration of benefits vs. profit margins and the mentality of a claims adjuster. I will tell you--insurance companies get away with a lot. Whether by design or by error, procedures and benefits are denied. Then, the person who either doesn't know they can appeal or doesn't have the fortitude to go through the process, will just go away. This is only a small example, a simple illustration. It gets far more complex than that.

I have yet to hear someone say they LOVE insurance companies. Even people who say they are 'happy' with their insurance company is usually satisfied because they had a really bad experience with a different insurance company, or they haven't had much need for medical treatment beyond their annual physical. I've worked for a number of insurance companies in my career, and there really isn't much difference between them. They are all looking to improve their bottom line, increase their client/subscriber base and control costs (translation: reduce payout). It's important to understand that controlling costs does not simply mean lowering overhead. They employ staff to review medical procedures. It's typically a medical professional who looks at what your doctor is recommending and then decides whether it's necessary or not. In some cases, a 'medical case manager' (usually an R.N.) makes the decision. Do you really want a nurse to decide whether or not your doctor can perform a test or surgery? There is another process called a "peer review" where a doctor reviews the recommendation and then makes the decision. Either way, we are talking about medical professionals who are not currently in practice, and who are not intimately familiar with your current situation. This is just some of what is involved in the authorization processes to determine what is medically necessary that the general public just doesn't know. That's actually the good part. The less complex stuff is simply reviewed by the claims adjuster who has anywhere from a high school diploma to a bachelor's degree. Health claims adjusters aren't paid much compared to other adjusters (such as general liability), by the way. Don't believe me? Yahoo has a salary tool--look up the salary for health care claims adjuster for your local area, then compare it to a liability or Workers' Compensation adjuster.

Anyway, point is the Insurance Companies don't care if everyone is insured. They just want to make sure their bottom lines aren't affected. If 80% are satisfied, they'll stay where they are like I probably will. Most people don't like change. It should be noted that free care isn't always what everyone wants, so there is still a market for insurance companies in many countries with a NHS (think France. I also have a friend in Canada who has private insurance). Maybe--just maybe--what insurance companies really fear is that a social plan might be better and more honestly administered. That would be real competition. People would really want that.

So, I guess I went on a rant anyway. I'm still not saying this is the perfect solution. I just think everyone should have available medical care. Insurance companies shouldn't stand in the way of it for the sake of their already plush bottom lines. (Those operating in the red...well we know how they got there). They can all still compete with each other. They aren't competing for the uninsured business, as it is. Why would they worry about them now?