I AM Still Bipolar

I read something recently that talked about "having Bipolar Illness" as opposed to BEING Bipolar. It talked about "living with Bipolar" much in the way people who are HIV positive "live with HIV."

I still reject the statement. I AM still Bipolar, and so are they.

I know, I know. People are going to argue with me and reject me until the cows come home. Of course I have my own retort. I have never said that Bipolar is the only thing I am, nor the only thing they are. Here is a big point: I am a Mom. Do I only say "I have children"? Hell no. I take great pride in saying "I AM a Mom." I am also a "a wife." I am "a woman." When I worked I was a "title of my occupation." (Sorry, not gonna say what that was. I still want some anonymity here.) I am "PolarBabe." LOL I am a lot of things. I am a multifaceted individual and so is everyone else. Now I suppose someone could argue that someone with cancer doesn't say "I am cancer." Very true. But many types of cancer can be cured. Just because they aren't always cured, there is a chance. And those forms that can't be, there is the hope that one day a cure will be found. Ergo...it isn't the same. Similarly, I can accept a person with HIV saying "I have HIV." Those of us who have no hope of being cured, well we're just fucked in that regard, and we ARE what we are. But again, it's not all that we are and we just need to get over it.

Labels, labels, labels. Stigma, stigma, stigma. Whine, whine, whine. Stop railing against reality. We live with our disadvantages, everyone who is disadvantaged in one way or another. Those who are courageous enough find a way to stand up and say something and advocate for those who live with prejudice of others. The truly brave fight against it. Others just bitch and moan and want others to pity them and just waaaaah stop it, stop it, stop it. Or...they tell themselves the little sunshiney things that make them feel oh so much better. I can't do that. I have to face my reality and not sugar coat things for myself to make it more palatable. Do what ya gotta do, I guess. But don't ask me for my opinion because I'm not going to bullshit you. Well, maybe I will humor you and think otherwise. I am not really as obnoxious as I seem.

One thing I have always said is the easiest lies to believe are the ones we tell ourselves. We are most severely betrayed by...ourselves. Once I realized this, I have tried to be as honest with myself as I possibly can. I'm not always successful. Probably still less often than I succeed. Nevertheless it is always my mission. Consequently, when it comes to being Bipolar, I'm not going to pull any punches with myself. I may not be at the point where I am gonna embrace and have a love fest with it, but I have to accept it for what it is. How else am I going to do the things I need to do achieve a level of health and stay that way? To manage it? No, I shouldn't say IT. MINE. I own this shit. It's me and I accept it. Just like everything ELSE THAT I AM.

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me...

Yes, it's a double post day. I figure I have some catching up to do. Actually, I have a need to get some muck out of my system. After a few good days, today was a bad one for me.

One of my big symptoms is paranoia. I don't actually think people are watching me (so far, anyway). Without getting to deep into my scenario, I have one particular paranoia about my husband. I may have mentioned that during my delusional episode, I thought he was trying to kill me. As it began to wane, I downshifted into thinking he was trying to have me hospitalized for a very long time so he could take my kids away from me. Now, I have periods where I am enveloped with this similar notion and today was pretty bad. In this scenario, little things will begin to trigger these thoughts. When I say little, I mean so trivial I cannot even remember them when the episode is over. So, this happened today. Something triggered the thought in my brain that he was being a sadistic bastard playing a sick game of cat and mouse with me, trying to drive me mad. Pretending to be someone else, sending me messages to see what I'd say about him, etc. etc. Trying to get me to talk about being BP in graphic terms to gather written evidence against me when the time comes to deliver his case to a judge to gain custody of our kids...encouraging me to write this blog for the same reason. And my mind spins out of control, gathering facts out of thin air it seems, and weaving thoughts into the fabric of my paranoid...well...delusion. I pause at using the word because it seems so strong--particularly knowing what I went through before. That was a complete psychotic break. This was not. So I guess I need to get a little more descriptive when I talk about these events.

It's terribly frightening not knowing the real from the unreal. I've always regarded myself as pretty level headed. Now, I'm reduced to not knowing which way is up. I only seem to know sideways now. Maybe diagonal a little. Circular I probably know best. Yeah, circular, that's my direction. At any rate, I really thought we'd hit on THE medicinal cocktail this time. I'm a little disheartened. This was a biggie. Fortunately there were no visual disturbances and I felt like I had enough of a grip that I knew to reach out for help (unlike before where I went on the run, and then started calling 911 every time I turned around). Can't take a chance that it will get worse. Thankfully, I see Dr. Tween on Friday.

Damn, what kind of road am I on? Sometimes I get a glimpse of why the suicide statistic is so high. Not for me, but I can see how this wears a person's resolve and strength. Holding on to your mind with both hands is not easy.

PolarBabe

I'm Bipolar, She's Not

One of the things I don't think is funny is when people call someone Bipolar simply because he or she is having a moody day, or is indecisive. While Bipolar people can or do have these symptoms, there is so much more to it, so many SERIOUS problems. That's why it's a mental illness. DUH.

It's become the mainstream, en vogue term to use, it seems. I hear it so often though, much like ADD or ADHD was used ad nauseum to describe someone who is scattered. There is a popular song right now that refers to a relationship as being "a love bipolar". My 7 year old son, who is learning that his mom is Bipolar (in very basic terms), asked what that meant. Now, as we know, TheBabe is FAR from being politically correct. Having to explain to him what she meant and how it's different than what mom has was a little tricky. He doesn't yet understand comparison, subtle parodies, or sarcasm completely. (He's learning faster than others thanks to dear old mom).

Fact of the matter is...Bipolar typically goes untreated for a very long time, and is usually misdiagnosed for a looooooong time as unipolar depression. What will happen when everyone is referred to as Bipolar simply because they are having a bad day or can't make up their mind? They will just laugh it off. If there truly is a problem, they may not be aware of it as being anything out of the ordinary. I know just from when I took the checklists, I didn't think I was Bipolar. I didn't know I had racing thoughts. My brain never shut off, but I didn't think of that as racing. I just thought I was introspective, a great thinker and liked puzzles.

I'm real big on the 'looking into it' part because there is so much pain involved with this illness. And with a 10% suicide statistic (from what my tdoc has told me) for diagnosed Bipolar people, ummmm...can we say unfuckingacceptable? To desensitize the illness is to increase those odds in my opinion and that is too serious to joke about. I'll joke about those of us who actually have it, but I have compassion for our suffering. I want to bring light to that suffering by bringing absurdity and laughter with the things that make me laugh. I can't take anything too seriously or I will drown in a sea of dispair. It's all that I have to bring to someone in pain. But I'll tell you, if you call someone Bipolar, you better know what the fuck you're talking about. I'll get medieval on you. Of course, I'll be outing myself to some extent, but I won't care at that point. I suppose I probably shouldn't be medieval, if I want to be taken seriously though, huh? They'll call me Bipolar.

PolarBabe