Frustration

It's been a long time since I've blogged.  I go on these hiatuses when I feel uninspired.  Lately, I've had some stuff on my mind, but have hesitated writing about it.  I can't hold back anymore, but I'll give a brief update before I get down to the heart of things.

I've reacted well to the change in anti-depressants.  I'm taking 90mg of Cymbalta only now, and from all appearances, I've reacted well to it.  I think there is some room for improvement, but I don't know if that means we'll be going up in my dosage or not next visit.  The neatest thing is I was able to take all 3 kids to a movie by myself last weekend.  That's something that I never would have considered under some of the best circumstances.  So, this must be some good stuff.  I do still avoid going out and doing anything at all most days, though.  Hopefully this changes over time with this medication.

As well as things are going, I'm having a problem with my husband.  He's been drinking again.  It hasn't been just one slip, but is becoming what appears to be a regular thing, a couple times a week over the last two weeks.  I am not sure what to do. 

According to him:  He is still having a hard time with the things I did and continues to be intensely angry with me.  This anger and the pain of what I did fuels his desire to drink and he is unable to resist.  There is also some subconscious desire for me to throw him out so that maybe his pain will be alleviated by not having to be with me anymore.  He is unable to bring himself to leave me, so that if he gets drunk enough times that I reach the end of my rope, I will do it. 

According to me:  He's an alcoholic.  He drinks because he is an alcoholic.  There is no reason, only justification.  I don't feel responsible or guilty for his break in sobriety.  In reality, it has nothing to do with me.  If I had never done anything, he'd find another "reason".  He did before I ever made my mistakes.  This was a problem between us long before I ever did anything.

Aside from all the other problems this presents, one of my big concerns right now is that this behavior is a major trigger for me.  In the past, it has been a trigger for mania.  I'm not saying it is a cause for it, but there is that danger where chemicals and environment collide and you just don't know what is going to happen.  I'm not perfectly controlled right now, although I am on a good dose of Geodon, so I worry.  I've already had the old angry thoughts of "He doesn't give a fuck, so why should I?" however, and that isn't a good sign. 

I don't want to lash out, I don't want to cause any pain, even if I am being hurt again.  It just feels so intentional, just like before.  That's one thing I've never been able to make him understand.  It always felt like when he drank, it wasn't just that he didn't care, it was that he wanted to hurt me.  He wanted me to feel isolated and alone, like he hated me.  I'm sure he takes great pleasure in that now, but I never understood why he did then.  I don't know what I did back then.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had made different choices.  An exercise in futility, I know, but it's hard not to do sometimes.  Our first conversation about a week before I got pregnant.  What if I had just called it quits before I knew I was pregnant?  Would things have changed once I found out I was?  What if I had decided not to stay with him when I found out he had cheated on me?  What if I had left him when I first threatened to, when I only had two children?  Would we still be at the point we are at today?  All those opportunities precede my bad choices.  What I wonder is, if I had made different choices at those points in time, would I have avoided my mistakes, but would we still have ended up here dealing with this issue but with different "reasons" swirling around it?  I don't know if I would have avoided my bad choices, but even if we assume I would have, I think we would be here.  I am so tied to and love this man, I couldn't have stayed away from him.  He has a disease and it's part of him the same way I have a mental illness that is part of me.   I'm lost at the moment and I don't know what to do, but I know that I don't want to give up.  I just don't know if he has given up.  What I fear the most is that he may have given up on himself.