Let Me See Your Moods Swing!

Last Friday was our nanny's last day. We'd had a nanny while I worked, and then kept her on after I got sick. I've achieved a certain amount of stability where I can take all 3 kids on by myself and we really just can't afford to bear the expense any longer. After all, blogging doesn't pay the bills.

I'll admit it, I'm scared. I am still overstimulated very easily. I have a 3 year old who never sits. I have a 5 year old who insists on pushing every limit imposed upon her. I have a really low tolerance for non-compliance at the moment, and I can go from smiling to scowling to yelling in 3.5 seconds. I hate it.

I just took my morning cocktail with a dash of Ativan. I hope this helps us get through the school routine without a meltdown--from Mom.

My children are my life--the only reason that keep me going. When I was hospitalized 2 years ago for suicidal ideation, I was asked if I had intent to hurt myself. I told them that my love for my children would always exceed any amount of pain I could ever be in and therefore I could never take or attempt to take my own life. This will always remain true. Hurting myself would mean hurting them more, and this I cannot do. Will not do. Lord knows my illness hurts the people around me enough already.

Anyone who knows me has heard me wonder whether it is harder to be the Bipolar person, or the person who loves a Bipolar person. Yes, our heads are filled with a cacophony of tiresome noise, we careen from one pole to the next without control with fearful souls. We know pain. We are so often helpless, so often hopeless. But to be the person who witnesses this...the person who is often victim to the backlash, or the subject of an angry outburst that occurs seemingly without reason (so damned often)...how does a normal human endure? How does a person live in fear that a loved one might hurt themselves...that's a mighty big spector. Or what about loving with the hypersexual manic bipolar person? How do you have a loving and trusting relationship with that looming large in the back of your mind?

I asked one of my previous therapists why on earth anyone would want to be in our lives, why anyone would love us. We are so damned much work, with no reprieve. She said that its the same reason people stay in the lives with people who have alcoholism, or cancer, or drug addiction, or other painful or difficult illnesses. Simply because they love us. Everyone has problems. I guess she has a point. I just worry that because our shit happens daily, that the only predictable thing is that you can bet we won't be consistent every single day, it will be too much to bear someday. I'd love to walk away from it if I could. Why wouldn't someone in their right mind walk away?

PolarBabe