A Little Bit About Everything

I hate hard days.  Yesterday was especially challenging in a couple different ways.  It didn't help the downward trend I've been experiencing.  Now, on top of feeling sad I'm filled with dread and self-loathing.  It's almost impossible not to be driven to distraction by these feelings when it gets this way.  I'm filled with worry and disgust.  There is nothing I can do, things are what they are and no amount of thinking about it is going to change things, and yet I am drawn to these thoughts like a moth to flame.  Such is the Bipolar mind and life.  At least I have a therapy session tonight.  Maybe I can purge a little of this rotten feeling.

Adding to my rotten feeling, we had to put our family dog down yesterday.  It's really my aunt's dog, but we all loved the little old girl.  She was 13 years old and had gotten very sick.  She had a massive tumor in her stomach and had stopped eating, was having seizures and several other problems caused by it.  My aunt decided it was the humane thing to do since the little dog was suffering so.  My aunt could not bear to go in while the procedure was performed, so I did.  I couldn't stand the idea of her being alone and scared when they did it.  I was surprised that they didn't do it in an examining room.  They had a very nice sitting room with a sofa and pillows, and an arm chair.  It was a very peaceful and comfortable environment.  I was able to hold her in my lap and love her.  She was very relaxed and not scared at all.  The doctor was loving and sweet to her.  She went peacefully in my arms, although she did try to bite the doctor when he first began to administer the injection.  It is a very surreal but painful experience to have a little life--a breathing, living creature--in your arms and then feel it drift away.  With my arm wrapped around and under her, I was able to feel everything relax and slow down, and her breathing slowly stop.  I literally felt her life go out of her.  I'm glad I did it because her life ended with someone loving her, not with a bunch of strangers, but I will remember the experience forever and it hurts.  Rest peacefully, little Rosebud.

On a more positive note, I have been speaking with my friend that I mentioned before--the girl I used to babysit who is Bipolar.  She is in a very depressed state and is not coping well.  I have found that talking to her is also comforting to me.  I am able to relate to her very deeply; I feel very strongly about her situation.  It wasn't but a few months ago that I was in the same situation.  I also find it therapeutic for me to talk to her as well, it reminds me how far I have come from those dark, dark days.  I do my best to relate to her, to let her know she is not alone.  I am trying to help her understand that recovery comes slowly, that she will not wake up one day and suddenly feel better.  I hope it is helping.  I look forward to continuing our conversation and hopefully witnessing small improvements over time.  I really want her to get better.  I know the place she is in, and no one should have to live in that prison.

So, that's pretty much what's going on.  I'm hoping today will be a better day.