Depressive Without a Cause

I haven't been writing a lot lately since I haven't really had much on my mind.  I still don't, really.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I just haven't really explored my thoughts and feelings, so they aren't well organized yet.  I started feeling kind of depressed yesterday, which has carried over to today, and I'm really not sure why.  It's disappointing too, which kind of compounds the problem.  I feel like now that we seem to have hit on a good cocktail of meds, this shouldn't happen.  So, to feel depressed is, in and of itself, depressing. 

I went over the last few days to see if there was anything I could pinpoint as a trigger and could not find anything.  It was my 40th birthday on Thursday, and I had a wonderful day.  I was not upset at turning 40, in fact I had been enthusiastic about it.  My family went out of their way to make the day special.  So, this wasn't something that caused my problem.  I've had something of a cold the last several days and have felt under the weather, but that is only a nuisance at best.  Things are fine with Mr. PolarBabe.  The kids are doing well.  What gives?

I understand that there will always be cycles in my mood, medication or no. Understanding that doesn't actually mean I accept it. I want what I want, and the rest be damned. I hate that empty, aching feeling that runs from my chest to my abdomen; it feels as if my insides are weeping.  I know that there are people who keep mood charts and that helps them see a regular pattern to their moods.  If that works for them, great.  I choose not to do this.  To me, it seems just a little obsessive over the illness.  I suppose it helps some people plan for mood fluctuations, but I don't know what "plans" can be made.  Oh look!  Here comes a happy day!  Yippeee!  Oh shit!  I'm gonna feel like crap tomorrow.  Better take some extra Xanax with me just in case.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm minimizing a useful tool, but I can't even keep track of when my period is due and that's just once a month.  (I know, TMI.  Sorry.)  I still think mood charts are obsessive. 

Back to the matter at hand.  I'm down.  I'm not crying and curled into the fetal position depressed, but I'm sighing, not showered and lethargic depressed.  I have laundry to do today and I'm dreading it.  The thought of getting back into the weekly school routine tomorrow overwhelms me.  I guess that's what the Ativan is for.  I hate relying on so many fucking pills.  I really do.  Whine. Whine. Whiiiiiiiiiinnnnne.

I hope this blows over soon.  I'm kinda sick of me right now.