Bipolar Hates My Friends

I have plans to meet a good friend of mine for coffee today.  I haven't seen her since about April or May.  We talk through IM or Facebook here and there, but nothing more than the quick hello or how are you.  That pretty much sums up my interaction with all my friends. 

When you're a parent of young children, you have very limited time to spend on friendships as it is.  However, going through the things I've been through this year has put a big wall between me and the outside world.  In fact, my own world is so small, I don't have much to talk about.  I've never been one to talk about my kids ad nauseum.  I don't watch much TV other than West Wing re-runs.  I don't have the ability to read uninterrupted these days, so I don't read much.  I don't work anymore, so there are no interesting tales to tell about what happened at the office. I don't go anywhere other than to take my kids to school, so really what could I possibly contribute to a telephone conversation or a casual meeting?  Not a hell of a lot I'm afraid.  I'm certainly damned tired of talking about Bipolar.  My friends are compassionate enough and want to know and try to understand what I am going through, but I am not the needy type.  I simply don't NEED to talk about it.  I NEED to forget about it and feel normal.

I'm going to have to talk about it some today, I'm sure.  It's part of the response to the question "How are you?" that will be expected.  What do I say?  I can say I'm fine, and that's entirely true.  Will I get away with saying that little?  Probably not.

It's easy to see why I don't seek out more contact with my friends.  They are good people who love and care about me, and that annoys me.  Just kidding.  Seriously though, it does make it hard sometimes to just...be.  I have another friend who has been wanting to get together with her daughter and one of my kids who is the same age.  I have agreed, but just not followed through.  I'm sure we'd all have a good time, but again I don't want to go through the "How are you?" part. 

See, I can't just say I'm fine and brush anything else off.  I feel obligated to give some kind of explanation or further details.  It's the concern or expectation in their eyes when they ask.  I feel like I'm being rude or icy if I just skim over the question with a breezy response.  I know it's my issue, but that's one of my issues.

I am looking forward to seeing this friend.  Once we get past talking about me, (and that will take some time, she tends to have lots of questions) she will have enough to say for both of us.  She is a great conversationalist and is extremely funny.  I am sure the time will pass far too quickly.  As much trepidation as I have ahead of time, I know I will be sad when it's over.   Maybe I'm Bipolar or something.  (I know, bad stigmatizing joke, but I couldn't help myself).