How Long Until My Brain Explodes?

I saw Dr. Tween yesterday for my monthly follow-up.  I had experienced no appreciable difference with the addition of the Wellbutrin last month, so we are doubling the dose this month.  I'm wondering with all these medications and the levels (I'm pretty much at the maximum doses of all of them) at what point will my brain actually explode?  Seriously, this just can't be good for me, physically speaking.

Don't get me wrong, I realize the implications of a life without my medication.  I am also really tired of taking all these damned pills.  Yes, I've achieved a level of stability.  I had commented to both my husband and my doctor that I never feel happy.  I don't feel sad or depressed, I just feel...not sad.  Is this the best I can hope for?  I'm not looking for the elation of mania, I just want to feel the contented sort of happy.  I don't feel that.  I can't even conjure up the feeling from a happy memory. 

So I get tempted to stop taking my meds.  It's not a strong temptation, but it's there.  It's normal.  I hate gobbling a large handful in the morning and a small handful at night.  I hate having to eat something again if I forget to take my nighttime pills right after dinner.  I hate that I can't sleep without a sleeping pill now.  (Although the quality of my sleep is awesome with it!)  I miss having strong emotions.  I don't really miss having the negative ones of course, but I miss just feeling things.  I'm happy to be calmer and definitely more patient.  I definitely don't miss how my behavior affects everyone else, I just miss the experience of feeling the strength of emotion.

I would eventually tire of those feelings, too.  It's a hell living in a bipolar mind.  Maddening, exhausting, confusing, painful.  From a purely selfish standpoint, the calm and the peace I now have are what make the trade off worth it.  From a broader perspective, and the reason I will never go off my meds is my commitment to my family.  There's also my fear of another psychotic episode and being hospitalized, etc. etc., but I have a responsibility and love for my family that supercedes any desire or issue I might have.  Their best interests outweigh any of my interests, period.  If I have to go the rest of my life feeling just not sad, then that's what I will do.  I really hope I don't have to, though.  I also hope my brain doesn't explode before my time, too.