I still have issues with my many meds. Which I just realized I haven't taken today. I better go do that. Ok, I'm back. I find I have been doing that a lot lately...forgetting to take them at my normal time, which is usually somewhere around 6:30a, but no later than 7:30a. Right now, it's 9:03a. The other day, it was 11:30a when I realized I hadn't taken them, and I didn't even have that dizzy, heavy headed feeling I get when I haven't taken them. I wonder if this is some sort of subconscious, passive-aggressive form of protest on my part. As you know, I've been struggling with the temptation of going off my meds because I'm tired of having to take so many, tired of the side effects, and tired of not seeing the maximum benefit of the intended result.
Consciously, I have no desire to risk my stability in favor of being free of the side effects that are negatively impacting my life. I have a responsibility to my family that I take very seriously. That does make me feel somewhat like a prisoner though, which frustrates and depresses me. I'm not in control of my life, and not able to make my own decisions. Yes, I know this is all horseshit, but we're talking emotions here. They don't have to be sensical.
I have a good friend who also happens to be BP 1. She is going through a tough time right now, trying to scratch her way out of a depression and is also having similar feelings about her meds. All this shit we take only to feel...not sad. Yes, we lived on a roller coaster before, but at least we felt things. We reminisce about the days when we were roommates. Her dominant pole is manic, so much of the time we lived together we were both manic. (Mania is contagious, for those of you who don't know). We had the times of our lives. We did some pretty wild, sometimes embarrassing things, but God we were unstoppable. Fortunately, we never did anything to get ourselves into trouble but we probably could have blown over the legal limit a time or two. She and I and another friend of ours drove to Lake Havasu to celebrate the friend's going away even though we had no idea how to get there, nor had any of us used a map in our lives; we took off for Vegas in the middle of the night one time; I had to put ice on her nipples while she posed nude for a coworker/photographer while we were both horrifically hungover from the night before. The usual. There were other, far more outlandish shenanigans, but they are not suitable for this blog, even if I do have a warning before entering the site.
Those days are over because of our age, anyway. We would just be ridiculous barflies if we did it now. Unmedicated though, it doesn't mean we wouldn't still. There's that whole lack of good judgment thing. It's not that thrill of manic elation that tempts me, even if my memories are funny and thrilling. It's the desire to feel something more. To be free of the side effects that make my mouth dry, that make me so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open but still too awake to nap or fall asleep at night without Ambien. My lack of libido. The buzz in my brain. My dry eyes because I don't blink often enough. Two anti-depressants in high doses yet I still the best I can do is want to fix my hair a little and put on some eyeliner and mascara. (I used to wear a full face and do my hair quite nicely). It's discouraging. It's not hard to feel like tossing the dice would bear the same risk. The stakes may be higher, but if I win, then I don't have to deal with the side effects. I know it's denial. Stability would only last for so long. Medication isn't a magic pill you can take only during a flare. I'm just so fucking frustrated.
I just don't feel good on all these medications. Period. Between the side effects and just feeling almost I'm completely composed of chemicals now, I just feel like shit, physically speaking. I have responsibilities, and there are expectations from my family, my husband and I just don't seem to be able to meet them like I think I should. That makes me feel bad, makes me feel terribly guilty. What do I do? It just adds to my frustration. I don't know how to express it, and I feel like I let everyone down. The bipolar controls my life, and affects everyone else negatively. It's all about me and my illness, and that's just not right.
People wonder why we get so sick of ourselves that we become suicidal.
You Know You’re Getting Old When…
8 years ago
