I didn't want to get into too many details yesterday for the reasons I stated, but in order to blog today, I have to get in a little deeper. The problem I was trying not to discuss is Alcoholism. A very close loved one of mine is an alcoholic. Of late, we have had cause to examine our ailments together. While probably not a groundbreaking discovery, it is remarkable at how similar the symptoms of Alcoholism and Bipolar can be.
We've mainly compared the effects of mania and alcoholism. First there is the intoxication of it, of course. The primary difference is that the alcoholic's judgment skills are affected before the intoxicated feeling, ours are affected after the mania sets in. Their disease sets in and wreaks havoc on their minds, tempting them with all sorts of reasons as to why it's ok, why they should have a drink.
There is the notion of choice. Conventional wisdom says alcoholics can choose whether or not to have a drink. People who are Bipolar have no choice whether or not they are going to have an episode. On it's face it seems to be true, but given that Alcoholism is an actual disease, this isn't exactly fair. Given the rationalization process I described above, how much of that truly involves a choice? I know it sounds like I'm the one who is rationalizing now, but I'm not. I realize that there are millions of people who have successfully achieved sobriety and are successfully able to make that choice. The point is they have to make that choice every single day. They are never free of that rationalization process, they have only become skilled at working their way through it. It takes tremendous effort and practice, and relapse is only a heartbeat away.
There's no actual beating it, it's forever a fight. Just like Bipolar, you can be in remission. You cannot be cured. In comparing it to a Bipolar episode, it's true that we cannot prevent an episode from setting in on us if we are not medicated or if our medication fails us. For those of us who are in treatment, being compliant with our treatment regimen is a must to delay or prevent aggravation of our illness. Additionally, we should all be aware of our warning signs and have informed our loved ones of those signs. There should be a relapse plan and everyone should know what they need to do should an episode come on. These are the choices we are able to make.
Intoxication. Now, I've been drunk before. I've been manic. I've been drunk AND manic. I think I know more than a little about impaired judgment. This is where it's hard for me not to rationalize my own behavior, hard not to say that Bipolar is far worse than Alcoholism. Simple truth is that I'm that even though I've been drunk, I'm not an Alcoholic. I can relate, but I don't necessarily understand. I think about the commonalities: infidelity, gambling, uncontrollable spending, shoplifting, anger management issues, and so on and so forth. Which behaviors are exclusive to Alcoholism and which are Bipolar? Uhhhhh...
More...the intoxication of mania is not something that 'wears off' the way high does, or a bender ends. We are completely at the mercy of the illness, and medications aren't a quick fix. Our option? Hospitalization until our illness is sufficiently under control. Counterpoint is that many Alcoholics also face hospitalization for detox and rehab. In both cases, the need for hospitalization depends on the severity of the situation.
I can toss this ball back and forth until I go mad. It seems there are far more similarities than there are differences. Though Alcoholism has long been called a disease, this recent experience has made me see it truly in this fashion. By comparing it to my own, I know it now as it truly is. As much as a non-alcoholic can, I guess.
What does all this do to reconcile my current situation? Absolutely nothing. This person's Alcoholism is a trigger for my mania. My mania and the recollection of my manic episodes are a trigger for this person's alcoholic behavior. We can talk it to death, we can relate to each other as much as we can, but the problems divide us more than they bring us together. Maybe it won't always be this way, but the memories may always linger. Will we always be on edge? Will there always be a fear of an episode or a break in sobriety? Stupid Illnesses.
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