When Opportunity Presents Itself

I'm back on the subject of my friend again. Her Step-mother called my Aunt yesterday asking if I could call my friend to talk. As you know, I've been wanting to talk to her to see if I could help; maybe make a difference in what she is going through. I know she feels alone. Now that the opportunity may be here, I'm wondering what I should say.

My primary concern is whether or not she would welcome the call. I was told that it was suggested to her and she jumped at the chance. Later I was told that when it was suggested to her she "seemed receptive" to it. That's a big difference! I have concerns about how she will feel that her condition has been discussed as widely as it has been at all. I know I'd be a little pissed if I had been the focus of conversation independently without my consent, especially with someone I knew 100 years ago, bipolar or not. Then again, I also know my family and on some level am resigned to the fact that I'm going to be the object of discussion, whether I like it or not. I'd still be highly irritated by it.

I would not welcome such a phone call, myself. Maybe this is part of my concern. It's hard not to project yourself onto this kind of a situation. I'd resent someone intruding on my personal business. If I don't directly approach someone, then it's none of their concern. I'm intensely private that way. Maybe she is different. Maybe she needs someone to reach out to her. These are things I have to find out first, but I am also worried about whether or not I'd be given the complete truth. It may be one of those things that is being set up "for her own good." That could be disastrous.

Assuming those concerns are put to rest, then I wonder what I would say. Of course I would let things progress naturally, but I have to wonder what would come up and how I'd handle it. Are her struggles vastly different than mine? Have we experienced some of the same things? We are not all alike. I know there will be much we can relate to, but I don't want to screw anything up, either. I just feel like I might be jumping into the abyss. I like having a handle bar. I'm sure everything would work out fine and I'm working myself up for nothing, but this is how my mind works. How it doesn't work, rather.

I think I put a lot of pressure on myself not only because I want to help so much, but because I am genuinely concerned for her well-being. I know how hard-fought the battle for stability can be, especially when you feel so desperately alone. She has family that would do anything for her, but good intentions aren't enough. I've found that good intentions from loved ones usually lead to feelings of pain and guilt on the part of the Bipolar person more than anything else. Loved ones want so much for you to be well; they simply want to make you feel better. That's all you want too. In the absence of being able to give them that, you just feel guilty and like a failure for letting them down. Then comes the inevitable anger at them for being so damned demanding. How can they not see that you are doing your fucking best here? Just get off my back because you don't know what this is like!!!! Then comes the guilt again, only a thousandfold. If only I could snap out of this...if only I weren't such a phenomenal loser. I am so sick of myself...I am tired of being trapped in this head of mine...and a litany of other self-flagellating thoughts.

I can only hope that I can provide her some comfort and a safe place to express what she's feeling. I don't have a magic cure (as we all know but wish we had) to make it all better. Maybe, just maybe, I can make some small difference. Fingers crossed.