My Best Friend Part 2

Yesterday was my best friend's birthday.  This is the friend who was with me when my psychotic episode began and she basically took off running.  I haven't had any contact with her since, and it's been 7 months now.  I have long contemplated writing her to try to explain what happened, to let her know that she shouldn't be afraid, that I didn't completely lose my mind.  I never did, for fear of being rejected.  It's been painful enough being abandoned by someone who has been my best friend for 35 years.  I just couldn't put myself out there and take the risk of being crushed again.

I sent her a brief email yesterday.

I only said that although my email was probably unwelcome, I truly hoped she had a great day and that I missed her.  I wanted to keep it short and to the point.  If she opens the door by answering, then we can have a conversation about everything.  If she totally blows it off, then I will know exactly where I stand.  My husband thinks even if she blows it off I should send one follow up email explaining everything just to get it all off my chest.  To me that smacks of begging, so I don't think I will do that.  I don't know.

Now I'm left with a lot of unhappy emotions.  I can't predict what she will do.  I know her better than anyone, but it's hard not to project what I would do in the same situation.  Part of me can't conceive of her not responding.  We have been best friends for so long, have such a strong bond...how can she not?  I know her well enough to understand why she ran--the fear and confusion she must have felt.  I don't hold that against her.  Those are the very reasons I think she might not respond--her tendency to avoid difficult situations. 

I can't for a minute accept that she suddenly stopped loving or caring about me.  We have always been like sisters, so long and so deep is our history.  It's so painful when I think about how she has turned her back on me, even if I understand that she probably doesn't realize that is what she did.  The notion that she may not turn around now that I've "tapped her on the shoulder" brings me to tears.

I wish I could be assured in what to expect in this situation.  I don't want to constantly be checking my email only to hear crickets when I open it up.  It will be torture.  How many days do I let go by without a response before I come to accept that one will not be forthcoming?

I am trying to convince myself that she isn't going to respond, but the hope is so strong I don't know if I will be able to do that.  I'm hoping once I get back into my weekly routine, I'll be busy enough that I won't be so focused on this.  That I will stop praying for her response, because either she is going to, or she isn't.  It's as simple as that.