Unexpected Results

Last week, I was unable to bear the waiting game I was playing.  I ended up sending another email to my friend, as my husband had suggested.  I said everything that I felt about her walking away from me, from what she didn't know about what happened, to my confusion, to my sorrow.  At the time I wrote it, it was just to get my feelings off my chest, a way of purging the feelings that were flowing through me at the time.  I hadn't "intended" to send it.  I put in her address with the intention of "thinking it over" before sending it or not, but I pressed enter after I finished typing the address and off it went.  So, whether or not it was actually an accident that I sent it is something worthy of debate.

My email actually elicited a response.  An unexpected response.  She told me that I was and had always been her best friend and sister and she didn't want our friendship to end.  She admitted to having been afraid and not knowing what to do, which is why she ran off that day.  She just wanted to put everything behind us and move forward. 

Of course I'm willing to put everything behind us, but I also kind of have a WTF??? response.  7 months and I've been thinking she doesn't love me because she turned her back on me, and she responds as if she's just been waiting for me to call or write?  I don't quite understand.  I'm sure we'll cover this in a conversation someday, but for now I'm not sure how I feel.  I'm happy to have my friend back, but...I'm confused. 

Maybe she's just regretted her actions all this time.  She did say she has thought about me and the kids everyday since.    Maybe she didn't know how to reconnect after she did what she did.  I just don't know and can't begin to think for her.  I already did that over the last 7 months and it caused me a lot of grief.  I probably shouldn't start doing that again.

We spent some time texting on Saturday, just catching up.  It was nice, but lacking the ease and humor we used to have.  I guess that is to be expected.  It's hard to catch up through text messaging.  One thing I have felt over the last two days though, is that I now have a lack of emotion.  I thought I'd be over the moon if she responded positively.  While I was really happy to read her email, afterward, it was kind of like it didn't matter anymore.  I don't know what I think about that.  Good thing I see my therapist tonight.

So that's the update on the subject.  I'm sure there will be more to say as everything unfolds in the future.  For now, I'm glad to have my friend back.  I am indeed a lucky girl--Bipolar hasn't taken everything from me.  In fact, I can now say that it hasn't taken much of anything from me.  It's hurt me and the people around me, but the love of the people in my life is stronger than it is.  I guess I can say there is actually an upside to being Bipolar for me...it has shown me how loved I am.  I probably would have taken it for granted under less dramatic circumstances.