New Day, Same Song

I'm sort of stuck on the same theme right now.  It's kind of hard to think about much else, at least in terms of what I am compelled to write about.  I'm not obsessing during my day, fortunately. 

I spoke with my therapist about this last night.  He thought I might be premature in coming to the conclusion that I won't hear back from her after only four days.  He said she might be feeling conflicted after all this time.  I told him I'd rather grieve now and get it over with and be happily surprised if she responds later.  I really don't think she will respond, though.

I am not sure what part of this is harder.  The fact that she simply turned her back on me after all these years?  The fact that she did it and never in a million years would I do it to her, not even now, if she needed me?  The fact that I didn't do anything of my own volition to hurt her?  The fact that I am completely powerless to make things right?  The fact that I am completely clueless as to the actual reason why she ran off and decided to end our friendship altogether?  Is any one of these things in particular more painful than the others?  No, the hardest part is just that I lost my best friend.

One thing that did help me last night was something my husband said.  I told him about the realization I had that the people I actually did things to hurt; the ones who have good reason to turn their backs on me, are the ones who are here supporting me, taking care of me and loving me.  He told me that that should tell me something about myself.  The actions of people like my mom and my best friend should tell me something about them, but the fact that the people I have harmed are still here should say something about me and my worth.  Not being someone who has had the greatest self-esteem life-long, comments about my worth have usually glanced off of me as simple niceties.  This is the first comment that ever penetrated.  It really meant the world to me.  After that, the loss of my friend was just a little more bearable.

I think what she is doing is terrible.  It's just wrong.