Compassion, Judgement, Understanding, Contemplation

This weekend I did a lot of introspection. Mostly on my rejection of people who seem to whine over everything. I went back to how I felt over the the two women I mentioned in my last blog post--the very dark woman vs. the woman I wanted to slap. I wondered why I felt such derision to the one woman since I am, in reality, a (mostly) tolerant and compassionate person. However, I have heretofore made no secret of my impatience with people who bemoan their situation. I asked myself the big question of...Why? It took a lot of thinking, and a long conversation with Mr. PB and my Aunt to come up with the answer(s). Or at least some possibilities.

I don't really understand why some people point fingers at other people for their problems. Well, maybe I do somewhat. We are all scarred one way or another by our pasts, and that's usually at the hands at other people. It totally sucks and the road to recovery isn't easy. One is never going to get anywhere by pointing fingers, though. While those who caused the problems should be and can be held accountable, they can't take responsibility for cleaning up the mess, even if they want to do so. Sadly, that can only be done by the one who has been harmed. We have to own the fallout. The resultant feelings are ours, not theirs. While this blows goats, it doesn't change the unfortunate reality: life isn't fair.

I guess this all comes from my relationship with my mom. I've long wanted to blog about that, but it's a tough subject for me. I'm probably afraid of being very whiney, myself. She's been terrifically depressed her entire life, but she clings tenaciously to her misery. She's also a narcissistic person, wholly wrapped up in herself. Nothing is ever worse than what she goes through, in her mind. For example, any struggles I went though as a teen, her standard response was that it could be worse, that it wasn't nearly as bad as something she was going through at the time. I harbor a lot of resentment towards her for other reasons, but that's something for another blog. I recognized her folly at a fairly early age, and made a conscious decision that I was not going to be like her. I have always wanted to be happy. Some how, some way, I was going to do that. My depressive episodes have blocked me a large majority of the time, but it's still a goal that I strive to reach.

I have this fight in me. Where is the fight in these people? This particular woman, from her description, her mom was trying to help her but was at her wit's end. The woman was furious, her mom didn't respond the way she thought she should (which seemed to be to coddle her and provide nothing but weeping sympathy) and was angry. Now, I'm sure she wants to be happy on some level, but is more devoted to feeling sorry for herself. I had to stop and think about that. I understand feeling sorry for oneself. I've had a few pity parties, but they haven't been uber-fiestas. At best, (or worst, depending on how you look at it), they've been semi- or bi-monthly anger-fits at my circumstances. Then comes my need to fight back. I can't bend lay down and take it.

My next question was: What if this woman were my friend? How would I react? Hmmm. Depends on how close we were. If we were not so close, I'd simply listen and be supportive, but if it got to be too much, I'd probably avoid her after awhile. If we were close, I'd listen and be supportive, but after some time, I'd be honest but delicate. I'd tell her that she needed to get up and fight back, that the power was hers, if only she could reach inside and take charge. I'd be supportive and tell her how I understood how much it sucked, but that I'd always be there to help her through.

So, the end result is that I am being judgmental. I have a lot of work to do. I'll never entirely understand why someone doesn't see that they contribute to their own problems. There will always be people like my mom; it's a lot easier to cling to what you know than it is to take responsibility and change. That will probably always frustrate me and maybe feel like an insult to me since I work so hard at not being that way. However, since I'm committed to being happy, that also means I have to be the best person I can. So, here's a change I'm adding to the list. I apologize to that lady. She doesn't know how I felt or what I thought, but I'm still sorry to her. I sure hope she finds her way, though. This time, I'd only slap her to snap her out of it. Just kidding.

PolarBabe