My Own Personal Prison

The last few days seem to have set me back quite a bit. In some ways, I'm better today than I was yesterday and the day before (and definitely the day before that), but in some ways not. I feel hollow. I saw my therapist last night and went over Sunday's events, and my resulting feelings. The ultimate answer is that time is going to be the greatest factor in healing this divide, his pain, anger, sense of betrayal, and my shame, guilt, unworthiness and everything else that I feel. There is no interim panacea.

Despite all that I have done, Mr. PolarBabe is still willing to open himself wide and love me as freely as he always has. He only wants the same from me. Problem is, my shame and guilt, my feelings of unworthiness lock me up inside. I can barely look at him, barely look at myself. What is there to give that is not tainted and ugly now? His love and honesty humbles me, but I also sink straight through the floor. The more loving he is, the more I want to die. I feel like clawing my skin off with my fingernails, tearing myself apart until I am raw and bleeding the way he is inside.

I talked with my therapist about redemption. I told him that I feel like I should not try to redeem myself, forgive myself and move on in anyway until he is healed. While he suffers, I will suffer. It does not seem right to me that I should have any relief before him. Maybe as time passes, we both will begin to feel better; things will feel more natural. From where I stand at this moment, there is nothing on the horizon.

While I sit and type this, I feel selfish for even allowing myself these feelings. Who am I to wallow in my own pain? To think of myself when he is haunted by my deeds this very minute? He will be mad when he reads this. I may feel like the worst person in the world, but he will again say that I'm not. He will say that I didn't kill anyone. I will again say that I might as well have.

The only thing I can do to prove to him that I still love him and always have is to show up every day and be consistent with my love for him. Being locked up inside such as I am, I fear that I am going to do a miserable job of that. How am I going to provide what he needs to heal? There is nothing of value inside me.

Redemption. It seems nothing but a dream to me.

There is so much to do, so much preparation for this move of ours this weekend. I was on track until the blow up on Sunday. Now I am lost and back to being barely able to function. I am afraid of angering him, of letting him down. I am locked up inside in so many ways. I think I am the most selfish person I know.