Hide and Seek

There are times when I feel so detached from situations, it's like being an invisible observer to my life. I watch people talk, hear them, can reach out and touch them, but am totally unable to participate in any meaningful exchange. I often want to speak, but can't. Is it me, or can I just not get a word in edgewise? I sit and grumble to myself; exasperated by the rudeness of some people. Don't they see me? Why don't they want me to be a part of the conversation? Don't they care that I'm here? Aren't they interested in anything I have to say? Am I that boring, or worse yet, dumb? When I try to interject, it all but goes unnoticed. Why does this phenomenon occur? Is it just me?

It occurs on the Internet, too. I've tried to reach out on forums, to make contact with people. Often there is no response, or very little. I'm opinionated, yes. Belligerent, no. I'm open-minded, not argumentative nor insulting. Am I just not engaging? On Twitter, I've tweeted to people without response. (Almost always without response). Should I be bothered by any of this? I'm definitely puzzled.

The neat thing about mania, at least in the beginning, is this phenomenon goes away. Bipolars feel absolutely fascinating when they're manic. In my mind, everyone hangs on my every word, follows me around like I'm the Pied Piper of Hamlin. If they don't know me, by God they want to know me. I'm surrounded by the white light of angels, and one can't help but notice me, if not be seduced by me. Anyone who has been manic knows this feeling. It's the most delicious bag of nuts in the world.

I suppose once you've sampled the pecans, anything else is just a peanut by comparison. When you don't feel quite as magnetic, when you aren't charged up with that energy, what else is there to feel but invisible? What is the in between? What is it that a non-Bipolar feels? When you don't know what to seek, what do you do? It's tempting to chase the mania like a hungry vampire looking to feed. We just want to be filled up, up, UP.

Connecting with other people is important; I know I need to do this. I just really don't know how. Other people seem to have connections, even those who seem to be lonelier than I. I know "seem" is probably the operative word, but they're talking with others and I "ain't". So, what is this mysterious thing that I lack? It's alien to me, I was never socially inept. Now I feel totally inadequate, totally impotent, 100% boring, worthless and uninteresting. I don't have much occasion to connect with anyone outside my home right now, and with my depression (although subsiding through the marvels of chemistry) lending a hand to prevent it, I thought the cybersphere would be a good alternative. Now it seems like I'm trying to break into a clique. Why does it feel like that to me?

Am I somehow causing this? Have I found a way to somehow hide behind my words and prevent people from connecting with me? Am I not open enough? Am I sterile? Too needy? Not needy enough?

Oh great. I just realized this post sounds like I'm begging for friends. Somebody slap me, please. Wait, that probably sounds like I don't want to be friends. Really, I do. Oh for God's sake, just shoot me.