A Life and Mind in Shambles

I'm still a mess over Sunday's events. Mr. PolarBabe is a bit more steady, having released the pressure that had built from choking back his emotions over time. He's an amazing man, still committed to mending our relationship, moving forward and believe it or not, helping me through my own anguish over the damage I have done. I should be overjoyed and amazed that I am so fortunate--the vast majority of people who commit the same sins as I, are left in the dirt. It is what I deserve...each time he tells me that he remains madly in love with me and that I still deserve his love, I feel a knife twisting in my gut. He is too good for me.

Intellectually, I understand his statement that I am a good person who made some very bad mistakes. I do not feel like a good person at all. I asked him to think about what any good friend of his would say were he to tell them about what I did. What would they say? What advice would they give him? How would they look upon me after that? Take it a step further, what if one of his friends were in the situation and came to him for advice? He remained quiet, because he cannot deny the unworthiness that is mine. Ultimately, he said he didn't care what other people think, that all the other things about me are what makes me deserving of his love. I don't know what these things are. I never quite understood that during my so-called normal periods.

At any rate, I don't know that I will ever be able to live with myself. My focus is on him, of course. He is the one who has been hurt and maligned. My feelings are unimportant and can be dealt with at any time. The only focus on myself is to try to remain healthy during this difficult time. That's going to be quite a challenge. I'm back on the sofa with no emotion, no motivation during the day. All I want to do is take away his pain but I know I'm helpless to do anything.

I'm such a fucking loser. Pity...party of one...your crying towel is ready.